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Older siblings

"The twins have got each other, Mum and Dad have got each other. All I have got is the dog and he smells" (Five year brother of twins)

When twins or higher multiples are born, how often and how does the preschool teacher relate this to an older sibling in the class? The child has suddenly become (in many cases) not the only child in the family, but the older brother or sister of twins or higher multiples. The t child in the family, but the older brother or sister of twins or higher multiples. The teacher needs to be aware of what has happened and also make allowance for disruption to home routine. Especially with higher multiples, there may be prolonged periods of bedrest for the expectant mother, sometimes in a distant hospital with high level services. How does the sibling cope? At least things are better than for the (now middle-aged) man we know who was sent to an orphanage while his mother was expecting his twin brothers!

One mother of quadruplets commented that when her children were very young,

"Our older son wasn’t very happy about the attention that his siblings were getting, especially from Mum and Dad, even though we tried to give him as much time as possible. As a result he became quite aggressive and rough with the multiples."

They sought help from a child psychologist, who suggested ways in which to resolve this understandable, but very undesirable behaviour. They succeeded in changing his behaviour by making a point of praising their son when he interacted gently with the other children, and constantly reminding him that they were smaller than he, so he must be gentle with them.

On the positive side, a study of parental stress in families with young multiples found that mothers who had an older child or children felt less stressed, and more competent, than did first time mothers. They also reported less stress relating to health and to their partner relationship.

Many older children have very positive feelings toward their younger siblings, and might enjoy helping out with them. A mother of quintuplets commented that because her husband’s job meant that he had to be away from home at least two weeks out of four, her two year old daughter was very helpful.

"As young as she was, she was an enormous help by doing little things like fetching and carrying. She was wonderful and seldom demanding."

It is important that parents involve the older siblings in the caring routine if they would like to become involved, and they are capable of doing something helpful. Nonetheless, they should not be ‘parentified’ – nor be expected to take responsibility for their younger siblings unless considerably older than the multiples.

Time alone with Mum and Dad or Gran and Grandpa

One of the best ways of spending concentrated time with the older child or children is for a parent, or someone else, to spend time reading with them, or engaged in some other pleasurable activity – without the multiples being present. It is also recommended that some space be set aside that the older child can use without interference from the multiples, anywhere that the child can play, or engage in some other creative activity, out of the reach of younger siblings. It is also important that grandparents and other family or friends be encouraged to spend time with the older child or children.