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What can families do?

It is important not to bring such comparisons to the school. Every parent wants to tell the teacher a bit about their child, to help him or her get to know the child better. When doing this with multiples, talk about each child individually rather than as part of a pair or more. Don’t say things such as, "This is the quieter one....". The same goes for the teacher. Try to talk of each child’s strengthieter one....". The same goes for the teacher. Try to talk of each child’s strengths and weaknesses relative to their age-peers and not just to the other multiples. For example, you may say one twin is less socially mature than the other, whereas both are actually advanced for their age, but one a little more than the other. Seeing one twin as "worse" than the other is a message that soon gets to the parents and to the twins as meaning inferior to children in general.

When we went to assess the children, the mother introduced the twins "This is John, this is Jim and he is the dull one". Our testing showed little difference between the boys but the parents simply did not believe this. When Jim was kept back a year (not unexpected, given the messages he had been given), he took his revenge by trying to burn down the school. (And this is a real story!)

Consultations between parents and teachers are an opportunity to view each child in context. Very often the teacher does not discuss each child individually but rather as part of the multiples. This issue is resolved simply by scheduling the meetings about each twin or higher multiple at separate times and avoiding the temptation to deal with all at once. In the case of higher multiples who may be spread across various classes based on ability and other differences, then there may be value in insisting on an additional meeting, where all the children are considered together, to get some appreciation of the complex dynamics with three, four or more. If one is surging ahead in their own class, what does this do to the others?

• Rivalry and competition are a natural part of sibling relationships but can be more intense for multiples.
• Life is not fair. Multiples need to learn from very early on that they cannot have exactly the same.
• If they are extremely competitive, the picture needs to be widened, so they are not just competing with their siblings.
• Each child has something to offer-look for the positive, encourage the multiples to praise each other and to be pleased when one of the other succeeds.